Dad Jokes – Annoyingly Funny!

Who doesn’t love dad jokes? We have compiled a list of 150 dad jokes that you can use to annoy your family and make your fellow dads laugh!

  1. Are you cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees there.
  2. What time did the man do to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
  3. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in here.
  4. “Dad can you put my shoes on?” I don’t think they’ll fit me.
  5. Where does dad keep all his jokes? The dadabase
  6. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? Let out a little wine.
  7. You hear about the guy that invented lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  8. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
  9. Can February March? No, but April May.
  10. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.
  11. Milk is the fastest liquid on the planet. Its pasteurized before you’ve even seen it.
  12. ‘Would you like your milk in a bag?’ No you can leave it in the carton.
  13. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.
  14. If prisoners could take their own mugshots would they be called cellfies?
  15. It smells like updog in here. “What’s updog?” WHAT’S UP DAWG!?
  16. “Can I watch the TV.” Yes, but do not turn it on.
  17. Why did Thor only bring his brother to the party? He wanted to keep it low key.
  18. Is this pool safe for diving? It guess it deep ends.
  19.  “Call me dad!” I’ll call you ‘son’. You call me ‘dad’.
  20. “I’ll call you later.” Don’t call me ‘later’. Call me ‘dad’
  21. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says: ‘I’m sorry we don’t serve food here.
  22. A man walks into the bar and takes a seat. The bartender yells ‘Hey! Bring that back!’
  23. Did you hear about the  midget, psychic ripping people off? It’s a small medium at large.
  24. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
  25. Do you know where to get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
  26. What’s Irish and sits on the lawn all day? Paddy O’Furniture
  27. I knew I shouldn’t have had the seafood. I’m feeling a little eel.
  28. A lot of people using Quickbooks these days. I guess they’re really into it.
  29. There’s a new store called Moderation. They have everything.
  30. Why do chicken coups have two doors? If they had four they’d be chicken sedans.
  31. How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls. Otherwise they’d be uncles.
  32. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony some water? It was a little horse.
  33. Two statisticians got into a fight. It was pretty graphic.
  34. “Hey I was thinking-” I thought I smelled something burning.
  35. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  36. “Hey dad a yard sale!” I already have one.
  37. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It just waved.
  38. Did you hear about the guy that almost died while ordering at McDonald’s? He pulled through eventually.
  39. Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock-knock joke? He won the No-Bell prize.
  40. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  41. There were two peanuts just walking down the street and one was a salted.
  42. What’s ET short for? Because he’s got such little legs.
  43. I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a few days off.
  44. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because it would be a foot.
  45. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
  46. What do you call a singing computer? A Dell
  47. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  48. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  49. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto.
  50. Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
  51. What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose.
  52. I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
  53. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  54. What’s the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says ‘ribbit’ a horny toad says ‘rub it’.
  55. I sliced my finger cutting cheese, but I may have grater problems.
  56. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  57. 5/4 people admit that they’re bad at fractions.
  58. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
  59. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
  60. What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
  61. A three legged dog walks into a bar. He says to the the bartender ‘I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.’
  62. Why did the deer need braces? He had buck teeth.
  63. The cat got sick on the carpet. I don’t think it’s feline well.
  64. I hate jokes about German sausages. They’re the wurst.
  65. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda. It took me a minute to realize it was a Fanta Sea
  66. Without geometry life is ponitless.
  67. Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
  68. Where do facts come from? The factory.
  69. A termite walks into a bar and asks ‘Is the bar tender here?’
  70. Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud? Their assets are already frozen.
  71. I gave all my dead batteries; free of charge.
  72. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro on it. Its a total rip-off
  73. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
  74. My password had to be 8 characters long. I chose SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarves.
  75. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
  76. Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
  77. What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
  78. I’m tired of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  79. Sidewalks saved my life when I was younger. They kept me off the streets.
  80. “Dad I’m hungry.” Hello, Hungry, I’m dad.
  81. What’s the advantage to living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus.
  82. Just watched a program about beavers. It was the best damn program I’ve ever watched.
  83. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? It was well-armed.
  84. A man was arrested for giving out corpses on the street. Talk about a dead giveaway.
  85. Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chik-Fil-Eyyyyyy.
  86. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
  87. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out an E? He had a vowel movement.
  88. A red and blue ship just collided in the Caribbean. The survivors are marooned.
  89. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
  90. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.
  91. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie.
  92. Why is no one friends with Dracula? He’s a pain in the neck.
  93. I deleted the phone numbers of ever German I know from my phone. Now its Hans free.
  94. My wife and I watch 3 movies back to back last night. Luckilt I was the one facing the TV.
  95. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.
  96. What time is it. I don’t know, it keeps changing.
  97. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
  98. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The ‘P’ is silent.
  99. Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing can get under their skin.
  100. What’s a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
  101. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  102. Whiteboards are remarkable.
  103. I told a salad about my problems. It said it didn’t carrot at all.
  104. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? It was a cheetah
  105. Why did the coffee pot call the police? It got mugged.
  106. Which state sells the smallest sodas? Mini-sota.
  107. The Energizer Bunny got arrested. He was charged with battery.
  108. If he broke his arm in several places you’d think he’d avoid them.
  109. I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what they were laced with, but I was tripping all day.
  110. What did the beaver say to the tree? Its been nice gnawing you.
  111. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.
  112. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  113. Why was the little strawberry crying? His parents were in a jam.
  114. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
  115. I hate oyings. “What’s an oying dad?” “This joke.”
  116. Two satellites got married. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
  117. I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
  118. Our wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers.
  119. What cheese is never your cheese? Nacho cheese.
  120. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  121. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firecracker and a battery. He charged one and let the other off.
  122. “Dad did you get a hair cut?” Nope. All of them
  123. I went to the zoo the other day, but they only had one dog. It was a shi-tzu.
  124. The time before existence was pretty boring, but it went out with a bang.
  125. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s popcorn?
  126. I’m not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.
  127. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  128. Why don’t skeletons ever go anywhere? They have nobody to go with.
  129. My wife asked me to put the cat out. I didn’t even know it was on fire.
  130. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
  131. A duck goes to a pharmacy and says ‘Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill.’
  132. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay. They’re not bagels.
  133. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  134. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  135. Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this thing?’
  136. A man orders helicopter flavored chips at a bar and the bartender says ‘Sorry sir, but we only do plain.’
  137. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  138. A private ran to the captain shouting ‘The troops are revolting!’. The captain looked at him and said ‘You’re pretty repulsive yourself.’
  139. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
  140. I’ve always avoided sushi. I think it’s a little fishy.
  141. I though about going on an all almond diet, but that’s just nuts.
  142. Have you ever heard of the group Cellophane? They most wrap.
  143. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  144. The furniture store keeps calling. All I wanted was one night stand.
  145. “I think I have something in my shoe.” A foot.
  146. I used to recycle shoes for a living, but it’s sole destroying.
  147. I have a very secure job. No one else would want it.
  148. Have you heard of that new movie Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
  149. You know how I feel? With my hands.
  150. You know how to make someone curious? I’ll tell you tomorrow.
READ  I can wipe my own ass!

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Posted in The Old Stuff.